My sister's birthday is today. We should be around the table, singing poorly and eating cake and taking pictures. But we're not doing any of those things, because my sister hasn't aged a day in over 7 years now. Even typing it now, it seems wrong. 7 years? No, that can't be right. But indeed it is. It has been over 7 years since Rachel left this world. 7 years of no singing, 7 years of no cake, 7 years of no pictures. It's hard to believe that much time has passed in such a hurry. I remember waking up, astonished to discover that Life, in its great apathy, had decided to go on without her. Surely Time would stop at least for a while to grieve? But it did not. It just continued marching, eyes ahead, while we were left behind to go about our own business. That was the day that I learned, not just in theory but in practice, that Life goes on. It's such a simple concept, isn't it? Life goes on. But we always, at one point or another, expect it to make an exception, just this once. It never does. It's odd how life now is, in essence, exactly the way it was before. I never saw that coming. I just knew that I would live forever with a leaden heart, heavy every hour of every day. But I have not. Life, as it is wont to do, went on. The pain has not necessarily subsided. At times, such as today, I feel it as fresh as ever, tearing again what I had so carefully mended. But I have learned that Life goes on. I miss Rachel very much. I still grieve for her. Well, really, I grieve for me. She is far better off now, there is no need to grieve for her. My grief is a selfish one, as I grieve for all the jokes I'll never hear her tell, all the smiles I'll never see her smile, all the laughs I'll never hear her laugh, all the sorrows I'll never hear her share. But Life goes on. Rachel loved Life, and she lived the one on earth as well as she knew how. In moving on, I acknowledge that she is gone for now, but I also know that she would find joy in my joys, sadness in my tears, and just maybe, laughter in my crappy jokes. She is gone, yes, but she still lingers, like after the pianist has left the room but you could swear you still hear that last note hanging in the air. As I live my life, I am experiencing things Rachel never got to experience, and going places she never went. It is odd, being older than my older sister. But today, I celebrate her Life. Not just the one I grieve for, but the one that Death has already tried and failed to steal from her. More than just her smile or her laughter, I am thankful for her (eternal) Life, and today, that is what I celebrate, for if there's one thing that Life has taught me, it's that it goes on.
Good stuff. That girl had no filter, whatsoever. On her mind? Out her mouth. I miss her, too.
ReplyDeleteYeah, a filter was not one of her components. Never a dull moment.
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